Perfectionism as a Trauma Response

A Survival Strategy You Never Chose

You know that feeling you get when someone says “wow, good job” or “you’re literally perfect”? 

We get praised for perfectionistic tendencies, and we keep doing it because the praise feels good. 

But it's exhausting.

Always having to be ‘on.’ 

Never taking a break.

Never saying ‘no.’

Feeling guilty when we are sick and need rest. 

Feeling guilty because we are also resentful that no one takes care of us the way we take care of them. 

You started chasing that high long before you knew what you were doing. Before you could consciously think to yourself, “I have to be perfect to be loved,” you had experiences that taught your subconscious mind that belief as fact. 

I’m here to tell you: Perfectionism isn’t a personality trait; it's a trauma response.

Perfectionism isn't a personality trait; it's a trauma response

You probably learned early in your childhood that you got love when you performed well - good grades, doing well in sports, helping around the house… whatever it was. 

Then when you didn’t do so well- like you got a B instead of an A on a test - you got ignored. Or criticized. Or punished. 

So you started chasing the high score because that started to mean love, affection, and maybe even safety. 

Over time, it became a habit, and then a way of life. That’s how perfectionism and high-functioning anxiety took over your life. 

And now you’re exhausted and feel like you can’t stop. It feels like everything will unravel if you slow down.

How does perfectionism as a trauma response develop?

Like many trauma responses, perfectionism doesn’t develop as a conscious choice. You didn’t wake up one day with the goal of becoming perfect, and if you did- that belief system was already in place long before the idea popped into your head. Perfectionism developed as a survival strategy, a way to get your needs met when you couldn’t provide for yourself.

You might be thinking to yourself, “I had a great childhood; I didn’t have any trauma,” so let me explain what I mean. 

Not all traumatic experiences have to be Big T Events, like abuse, school shootings, natural disasters, etc. Some traumatic events are actually very small things repeated over many years that build up.

• If you had parents who couldn’t be at home when you were young because they had to go to work - years of not having them around could add up and become the trauma. 

• If your caregivers were emotionally unavailable and unable to meet your needs when you were crying out for them, that could compound into a traumatic experience. 

When it comes to developing perfectionism, as I mentioned above, maybe your younger self started to realize that you got the love and attention you craved when you performed well. Maybe your parents actually took you out for a celebratory dinner when you aced a test, but when you did anything less than that 100%, it felt like you didn’t exist.

Those types of experiences tend to be what lead to perfectionism later in life. And it might not even be that much later… it might develop early on. 

Covert Perfectionism: When Not Trying Feels Safer Than Failing

I didn’t realize until recently that I was a bit of a perfectionist. I’m very type B in many ways; I’m rarely “put together” in a way that I assume many perfectionists are, and if I’m being totally honest… I’m kind of messy. Not dirty… just messy. I have a lot of ADHD piles around, and my home definitely looks lived in. 

When we typically think of perfectionism, we think of the Overt perfectionist - a person who likes structure and neatness. This type of perfectionist tends to have a lot of outward-focused anxiety and may be overly critical of themselves, others, and their environment. This might show up as overachieving and constantly chasing impossible standards.

The type of perfectionist I realized that I am is a Covert perfectionist. This type of perfectionist may have all of those perfectionist thoughts, but to avoid the pressure that they feel, they tend to underperform and avoid anything in which they aren’t automatically the best or “perfect” at. Covert perfectionists might still desire impossible standards, but they don’t put in the effort to achieve them. I realized that my thought process behind this was, “If I don’t try, then I can’t fail.” 

From the outside, covert perfectionism might look like laziness, or a lack of ambition and motivation, or even being really laid back. Underneath the surface, though, we’re having all of those same anxiety-driven perfectionistic thoughts and fears - am I good enough? What if I fail? Will I get fired? 

If this is you, you might even convince yourself that you don’t want the thing that you actually do want. It is easier to pretend you don’t want to succeed when you can’t force yourself into action because the fear of failure is too paralyzing.

How therapy can help with Perfectionism as a Trauma Response

Ok, so maybe you realize you are a bit of a perfectionist with some little T trauma in your history - now what? First of all, welcome to the club! 

Remember, perfectionism is not a personality trait. It isn’t something that you are just stuck with, even if it may feel like that. It also isn’t something that will completely change you at your core if you stop being so perfectionistic. 

Therapy can help you sort through what traits actually are you - your values-based character traits - and what is more of a trauma response. 

Much of perfectionism is based on low self-esteem or insecurity. Remember, it developed because you learned that you had to be perfect to receive love. So naturally, as an imperfect human, like we all are - you may feel like you don’t deserve love. Working with a therapist can help you sort through those beliefs and create new beliefs that are more supportive - and more true! 

If you were sitting in my office - I work virtually, so if you’d be in your home over a video call - and we started talking about this, here’s what I’d say to you as your therapist:

If you weren’t scared of failing, what would you want for yourself?

Do you expect your friends to be as perfect as you expect yourself to be?

If your relationships depend so much on your being fake, is that the type of love you want?

We’d explore all of these ideas, and more! I would focus on teaching you how to be more self-compassionate and realistic with your expectations for yourself. I’d remind you that we are all humans and part of being human is that we aren’t good at everything, and that's ok. I’d also emphasize rest, which is a completely different topic from this one - but I’m guessing that if you see yourself in this post, you are probably exhausted in your soul and need a break. 

If you live in California and want to work with a recovering people pleaser perfectionist therapist who gets it- I might be your girl.

Kaylin Zabienski, LMFT, is a licensed therapist with over 15 years of experience supporting clients in California. She works with driven women who look fine on the outside but are exhausted from managing it all - people-pleasers, perfectionists, and the quietly anxious - using EMDR, mindfulness, and ACT to help them stop performing and start actually living. At KZ Counseling, she is committed to providing compassionate, expert care online for clients across California.