Why do I People-Please if my Childhood was Fine?

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

I still remember when I first realized that I am (was?) a people pleaser. I was having trouble saying ‘no’ to someone who consistently took advantage of me, and I said to my very much NOT a people pleaser friend, “I think I’m a people pleaser.” 

 She started laughing at me, and while she was gasping for air, said: “You think?!”

I never took that identity on because I wasn’t a perfectionist or type A person; I didn’t even consider myself to be the stereotypical nice girl, growing up, I was pretty average in school and all that… why do I people-please if my childhood was fine? I don’t even like most people, much less want to please them.

What Actually Defines Who You Are 

Many people believe that your actions or your past define who you are.

Some others, and maybe even the same people, also believe that it is your values and your belief systems that define you.

I think it's both.

Your actions, your behaviors, the things that you do define your day-to-day life. A person who sleeps in. A person who goes to the gym. A person who helps little old ladies cross the street. A person who reacts strongly. A person who lies. A person who… fill in the blank here. But if you are a person who does something, does that define who you are?

The People-Pleaser's Trap

Realizing my own people-pleasing tendencies sent me down a rabbit hole so deep that I now specialize in working with people pleasers, so let's use some commonalities from my clients as an example here. A people pleaser’s actions might be ultra helpful - always saying yes to help others, making sure everyone feels included, never having a bad day or needing anything from anyone - is that what defines them? It might actually be what defines them according to the people who benefit from it, but that’s an entirely different blog post. 

Let’s take a look at the people pleaser’s values. Maybe she values being helpful, but she also values rest, sleep, and staying at home to watch a movie with her kids. She can’t seem to find the time to do that because she is always overbooked and thinly spread out amongst the people who have become dependent on her. 

The people pleaser’s actions are about avoidance of discomfort. Avoidance of disappointing someone.  That’s not alignment, that’s fear.

This is where I think it gets interesting. We know human beings are complicated. I think that it is the alignment of belief and action that defines us.

It's when your actions match what you value. When you behave in the way that you think is right. And I'm not saying that we all have to have the same values, beliefs, or actions. But I do think that when you know yourself, you know your values, and you take actions based on those values, that is what makes you who you are.

But what gets in the way of that alignment?

As a licensed trauma therapist, I have a specific lens through which I see the world. And I definitely believe that trauma can get in the way of alignment. Sometimes it's because the negative voices get too loud and we don't know ourselves fully. It's hard to be aligned with beliefs and actions if you don't know what you believe. Or if your beliefs are clouded. 

"But My Childhood Was Fine" 

Even if you didn’t experience big T Traumatic events, people-pleasing can have its roots based in small t’s that add up over time. 

You might be asking yourself the same thing I was. Let’s go back to the woman above, who desperately wants to rest and spend time at home, but keeps saying yes to anyone who asks. What’s her story? 

Maybe she learned early on that no one wanted to hear her side because her mom always changed the subject when she tried to share her feelings. Or maybe whenever she asked for something, she just got a “not right now, honey, mommy’s busy,” so she stopped asking. 

Alignment Over Fear 

This is why nuance is so important, and humans are so complicated. And even when we have an explanation, it doesn't mean we forgive the behaviors that hurt us, or we let it happen.

Because even when it's not our fault if something happens to us, it is our responsibility to heal it. To change it. To not let that thing be the thing that defines us.

That's where the work comes in, right? That's how I help my clients. We work together to quiet the noise that gets in the way of who you actually are, then when we can hear that inner voice, that higher self, we work on discovering or creating the beliefs that are true to you. With the beliefs and values, we can then define the actions that help to support those beliefs.

None of it is easy. It's not even as simple as I put into words here. But it's important and worth it.

💖

Kaylin Zabienski, LMFT, is a licensed therapist with over 15 years of experience supporting clients in California. She works with driven women who look fine on the outside but are exhausted from managing it all - people-pleasers, perfectionists, and the quietly anxious - using EMDR, mindfulness, and ACT to help them stop performing and start actually living. At KZ Counseling, she is committed to providing compassionate, expert care online for clients across California